So, how long has it been since I did an update on the life of John? Y'know what, don't answer that, I don't need to know. I'm sure it's been a good long while. Life has been sorta difficult and different lately but I think I'm at a stable enough point to write one of these things, even if it's more for my own benefit as much as it is keeping in touch with anyone else. It's hard enough trying to find a bunch of relevant addresses and deciding whether to post this as a bulletin or a blog entry on all my semi-abandoned blogs without having to actually write it.

[skip this part if you don't want to hear about my brain]

So, first order of business: Living in general has got me baffled as of late... which is a far cry, I know, from my former easy-going/existential attitude. It wasn't all that long ago that I was content dismissing all of the world's preconceived notions and social structures in favor of an authentic lifestyle where I didn't do anything unless it got me closer to my goals. I've lived like that a few times and some of you who I've worked with in the past know that or at least acknowledged that I was a dilligent worker and could be very focused. But I have strayed from that super-authentic lifestyle and mindset a few times over the years... and also managed to get back into it after a sometimes lengthy, always intense re-realization of my existential side. I recently went through one of these phases that pulled me out of the authentic lifestyle and into the "now I'm really living" mindset and I had a lot of fun for a couple months. And, as is the usual course of events during these bouts of "living," I ran into an old love and rekindled that relationship. And, as is also the usual course of events during that scenario, it was fun for a while and then her feelings changed. Now, what was not usual this time around was that I find myself in a different mindset entirely, and not a really great one. I did not follow my usual post-break-up routine, hit rock bottom and then crawl back up with some new authentic purpose - because now I am not able to focus on things the way I used to, getting through work is an exhausting mental excercise, simple chores are getting done half-assed, and things I used to be really good at, like computer repair/tweaking takes 5-10 times longer than it used to. Everything is harder, I'm certainly unable to go through that intense existential re-realization... and if I did, the only thing there is to pull yourself up from that state of "rock-bottom, nothing matters" is doing what, to you, is intrinsically worth doing, but with my focus in the shape it's in, I don't think I could pull myself up from rock-bottom. It's hard to explain quite right because I'm comparing it to my prior experience, which none of you probably understand, since I'm the only one who lives in my head.

The short version is that I've broken out of my existential/authentic lifestyle, but something happened to my ability to focus, so I can't go back to that lifestyle and I'm having trouble dealing with my new lifestyle. The good news is that I'm not SO focused on work that I won't pay attention to all my old friends and dismiss all my feelings, point blank, the way I used to. So, I'm probably more pleasant than I have been in the past :)


[end of brain discussion]

So, enough trying to explain what goes on in my head. Let's get to all the details: I still live in Woonsocket, in the same apartment I first moved into. I finally moved out of the living room, though. It seemed right when I first moved in, being the replacement-roomie and the 4th or 5th person in a 2 bedroom apartment. And even when those original roommates moved out one by one, I continued to stay in the living room... even when it was just me and Mark, I stayed in the living room and the other bedroom became a computer room of sorts. Mark moved out eventually, and the girls took one bedroom for sleeping and one for an office... so in the living room I stayed (though I offered/asked if they would prefer me to move into one of the bedrooms). Then the girls left and the guys moved in, and they took a bedroom each. But now that they are gone and Sara has moved in, I have officially moved myself into one of the bedrooms. I cleaned it and painted it green and moved my bed in... and got all my clothes out of the closet and stuffed them all into this closet.. and put a couple of my computers in here on el-cheapo TV carts from Target. It feels like my room, now, after only a week or so. It's a little smaller, but I have all the comforts of the living room built into my computers. Did I mention that it's green? it's really green. I was inspired by Sara's blue room. Sara's room is awesome, but I really love mine.

I'm still working for the YMCA in North Attleboro. I ventured out a little bit last year to the Franklin branch of the same organization, in an attempt to make my drive a little shorter in the winter, but the after-school day care stuff has worn thin on me... even moving up to the middle school age didn't help (though Franklin's inclusion of 5th and 6th grade in the middle school program is probably to blame for that). So this year I'm doing my usual Team-Building/Ropes course work during the day in the Fall and Spring and hoping that some hours at the Teen Center that the Y runs in downtown N.Attleboro will let me survive the winter, financially.

Speaking of financially, the guys left me with a lot of back-rent and bills owed to me and I have no idea if I'm ever going to see any of it, so I'm living from check to check and trying to keep the utilities from being turned off month to month. If the teen center hours don't look like they'll be enough, I'll probably try to pick up some local hours somewhere... I can't think of anything that would fit in my schedule right now, but there must be something. Chime in with suggestions anytime! Sara has greatly decreased her cost of living by coming to Woonsocket and has told me that she'll help out however she can, too, so things are not as dire as they would be if I were on my own.

Musically: Snakes & Ladders, a group I've been playing with for the past few years, recorded an album with me on bass and has, after a long delay, received copies of the album. It's called, ironically enough, Authenticity, and I have some copies, or you can ask for a copy at www.instantdogma.net. Snakes is currently on hiatus. As it says on the website somewhere, there are some personal issues among the band members that have brought this on. For example, I can't focus on anything very well and find playing music in a band setting incredibly difficult and I know I can't do it as well as I used to and therefore feel like shit everytime I play... which is why I'm also leaving the other band I'm currently playing in, Das Happening. They don't know this yet (by the way guys, don't book anymore shows where you want me to show up). You can hear some stuff we recorded at www.dashappening.com (Price of Admission is my personal favorite) and probably see us live a couple more times before I am no longer involved. I need to relieve some pressure, so while this seems awful, especially to my bandmates - I'm sure, it's going to be a good thing for me in the long run. Hopefully, I'll be ok with playing again, someday sooner than later.

The web server I used to run went through some hard times. A lot of it was down for almost two months and almost all of the other sites I had been hosting jumped ship and found new places to host their stuff. My personal site was one of the sites affected. Unforunately none of the data was retrievable, so I've done what I can to make a fresh start with some new software and some old back-ups at EFDisaster.com. I'm still with the same hosting company, and they've given me as much space and "sites" as I had before. So, if you know anyone who needs some decently priced web-hosting, lemme know.

Photographically, I've done very little lately, but you can see most of recent good stuff at www.photosig.com/go/users/userphotos?id=52733 ... you'll probably have to sign up for an account to actually see them, though. I don't think I get any spam from photosig, though, so it's probably safe. Again, someday, efdisaster.com will be back up and I'll put all my photos there.

There's some pretty big stuff going down on the family front right now as well. I'm trying my best to be there and be focused on all of it, but I'm really in no state to be handling or dealing with any of it. The deal is, Dad, the great "bossman," has fighting off cancer for the past 5 years or so. Very recently, while recovering from a procedure, he was a little "off" due to the painkillers and lack of appetite and managed to get his blood-sugar down to incredibly low levels and collapsed. He was taken to the hospital and put in ICU and has been in a coma since then (a few days now). Right now, prognosis is "grave," but you can say a prayer for him or or send some positive energy or good vibes or whatever, if that's your thing.

I think that's about it. Feel free to write to me.
J@Wormtown.org is my most stable eMail address right now

I hope you're all well
John V